


Put The Knife Down

by my_people_skills_are_rusty



Category: Arthurian Mythology, Arthurian Mythology & Related Fandoms, Merlin (TV)
Genre: ASL, Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Arthur acts like an ass tbh, Body Image, Bullying, Coffee Shops, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gay crisis, Happy Ending, Harvard University, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, I know so little about college it hurts, I promise, Insecurity, Insomnia, Jock Arthur, M/M, Merthur - Freeform, Multi, Muteness, POV Alternating, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Photography, Poor Merlin, Possible smut, Rich Arthur, Song Based, Song Lyrics, Spoilers right here, Technically bi crisis, bi arthur, but its gonna be good, gay merlin, honestly I have no idea where this is going, i really dont know, i swear it really isn't as dark as it seems, idk - Freeform, just read it, these tags may or may not be lies
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-18
Updated: 2017-06-18
Packaged: 2018-11-15 11:50:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11230347
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/my_people_skills_are_rusty/pseuds/my_people_skills_are_rusty
Summary: Merlin and Arthur are freshmen at Harvard who appear to be different in every way. Arthur is rich and popular. Merlin is a poor bullied introvert. Underneath the surface though they have a lot in common. Anyway this is an angst filled college au merthur fic with some fluff and possible eventual smut. Parts of it are based off songs and the title as well as the first two lines are from the song Sheila Put the Knife Down by Junior Prom.





	Put The Knife Down

**Author's Note:**

> Hey nerds! This fic is back from the dead and newly edited after dying after only a few chapters cause middle school me couldn't stick to anything. Some of you may have read this chapter before but quite a bit has changed so I encourage you to read it again. Thank you to Emma for reminding me to grammar check it and get rid of all those pesky passive verbs. I have no real beta though so sorry for any mistakes. Songs are Sheila Put the Knife Down by Junior Prom, Truce by Twenty One Pilots, and Lithium by Nirvana. Warnings- mild panicking as is found in most chapters. Thank you to anyone who glances at this, reads this, likes this, bookmarks this... It means a lot to me!

_ "We're all fucked up some or other way. Some of us collect but most of us pay." _

Merlin hummed along quietly in his head as he rested against the window. This way, he could feel every groove and bump in the road. He found it strangely comforting the way he could connect to the road beneath him sitting like this. It was as if he was going for a stroll instead of sitting on the passenger side of an electric blue Chevy Impala driving down from Denmark, Maine to Cambridge, Massachusetts to face unknown perils. It would be easier if he was just going for a stroll. Strolls were normal. College was not. By the time the song ended Merlin had a headache from hitting his head against the hard glass every time the car hit a bump, so he settled for resting his elbow against the armrest and laying his head on his hand. He could faintly hear his mom telling him that they were only an hour away over the loud music pounding through his head as he drifted off to sleep.

"Merlin honey, we're here. Merlin wake up."

Merlin woke to the sound of his mom's voice and sat up slowly. Blinking his eyes, he took in the scene around him. On either side were large brick buildings that towered above him in their ancient majesty. Beyond the buildings was the familiar skyline of Cambridge and Boston. Merlin often came here as a young child. He had fond memories of summer days spent exploring the two cities. They drove slowly through the more crowded section of Harvard's campus until they came to a small apartment building just a few blocks away. Merlin assumed that this was the place his mother had arranged for him to stay.

"God Merlin, I can't believe you’re really going away to college. It seems like yesterday you were just a little boy I could carry under one arm. I'm going to miss you so much,” Hunith exclaimed, tears forming in her eyes.

Merlin smiled gently as he stepped out of the car. He was going to really miss his mom. She was everything to him. His mom had helped him through so much in the past. Hunith joined him at the back, where she helped him get his bags out of the trunk. He knew this was the last time he was going to see his mom for months, but it hadn’t quite hit him yet so he just quietly pulled out his travel bag and suitcase as his mom rattled on.

"Remember, Gaius lives in apartment 4C. He should be expecting you today, but we are here a bit earlier than I predicted. Of course you know that on weekends you'll be helping him around the house and on his deliveries until you get a real job. We should really be grateful that he’s offered his home to you. It’s hard to get housing this nice for so little.” Hunith took a deep breath and wiped at her eyes. “Oh god Merlin. I love you so much."

Merlin gave his mom a loving look in response as she wrapped him in her embrace. A few minutes later and he was waving to her as she drove off. As she left, he felt his stomach tighten and his breathing hitch. It was only as he slowly made his way to the front door that the reality of the situation finally hit him. He was alone in the big city with no way to turn back. Merlin sat down on a bench just outside the building and tried to calm his breathing. Determined not to have an anxiety attack at that moment, Merlin took three deep breaths, stood up, and walked with as much confidence as he could muster to press the small button labeled  **4C** to the right of the door. Almost immediately the door buzzed open. One more deep breath and a shaky smile, and Merlin was in.

♠♠♠♠♠♠

As any naïve young freshman might do, Merlin had foolishly expected a working elevator, a high quality apartment building, and an easy first day. Unfortunately, the  **Out of Order** sign taped crudely onto the elevator’s doors quickly crushed these hopes. Merlin grimaced at the thought of carrying his bags up four flights of stairs. Luckily he had, as always, severely under packed, and so his load was little and light.

By the time Merlin had reached the door of his new apartment, he was desperately wishing his small town public high school had offered any sports other than the girls’ yoga club, open only to upperclassmen. A small layer of sweat rested on his brow and his muscles felt even weaker than usual. The door to the apartment appeared unlocked, but Merlin, ever polite, knocked anyway. The door swung open in a matter of seconds and an old man with shiny white hair down to his shoulders stood before him, an amused expression on his face.

“You are Merlin, I presume? Your mother said you’d be coming today. Told me all about what a sweet helpful young man you are. I’m glad to have you here, although she did neglect to mention how skinny you are. No wonder it took you so long up the stairs.”

Merlin stood helplessly in the hallway. Having no words to respond with, he opted for just a smile and a firm handshake. Gaius gladly took his outstretched hand and continued on, paying no heed to Merlin’s discomfort. After years of practice, Merlin was pretty sure that Gaius just couldn’t tell. His smile in the face of danger was something Merlin prided himself on.

Gaius ushered Merlin in and gave him a quick tour. Merlin’s room was small, but he didn’t mind. Gaius admitted that he had been too busy to clean up the place before now, but encouraged Merlin to do so, along with some other weekly chores. Since it was a Tuesday, Gaius had to go into work, but he informed Merlin that there was black bean soup in the fridge and numerous places to eat nearby. Moments later, Merlin was alone again.

Only a few hours after saying goodbye to his mom, Merlin felt the pain of her absence. He missed his house and his bed. He missed his only friend William, and hanging out with him after school. Most of all, he missed his mother. It was too late to turn back now though, and although Merlin hated to admit it, this was all for the best. Besides, Harvard was a good school- a great one even- and he was lucky to have been given this opportunity. A full ride was nothing to laugh at and Merlin still felt a little shell-shocked at the idea that he, a nobody from a small-town, had been given one. After all, Harvard had been a random impulsive stretch on his part, a desperate grasp at a new life. He had never expected it to actually happen.

Merlin sat on his new bed and took out his iPod. It was an old classic iPod Nano. The kind that was no longer made and often got Merlin mocked for it. Merlin loved it though. It held all of his music and he felt no need for a bigger screen. He clicked shuffle and let the music roll over him. Truce, a song by his favorite band, Twenty One Pilots, was the first song to play. Merlin smiled and began his routine breathing exercises. The tightness he had felt in his chest all day began to ebb away, and soon he was oblivious to the outside world.

“ _ Maybe things won’t be so bad here, _ ” thought Merlin, as he lay back onto the bed. “ _ Maybe I’ll be okay. _ ”

♠♠♠♠♠♠

Throngs of young men and women pushed into red brick buildings across Harvard Yard. Old friends greeted each other excitedly and new friends made mere days ago during orientation laughed and chatted loudly outside and in the halls. Merlin found himself being pushed against the walls as people shoved past, determined to make sure they were not the late ones on the first real day of classes. Orientation had been awkward and uncomfortable and now the sheer size of the crowd that filled the area left Merlin feeling overwhelmed.

Merlin quickly located the nearest bathroom. He shuffled against the wall towards the door marked  **Men’s** . Stepping into the quiet room, Merlin exhaled a small sigh of relief. It was like a safe haven in the middle of a storm. He glanced towards the mirror. His hair stuck out in odd places which made his ears look even bigger than usual. His face was especially long and awkward looking with his latest haircut and he couldn’t help but grimace at his pink baby cheeks he so desperately wanted to get rid of. His skin had taken on an ashy colour with the stress of the day. He stepped backwards and leaned onto the wall behind him, breathing heavily before finally turning around to leave. The last thing he heard before the panic of another person seeing him so vulnerable rushed over him was the smooth cocky voice of the young man before him.

“Hey I’m Arthur Pendragon. Nice to meet you.”

♠♠♠♠♠♠

Arthur gave Morgana a quick peck on the cheek before stepping out of the sleek black limo. Having said his farewells just moments before inside the car, he felt no need to wave goodbye as the limo followed the mess of cars away from him. Instead, he quickly handed his bags to Tom, his personal assistant, hired for him as a gift on his sixteenth birthday, and climbed into the elevator. It was slightly dusty and Arthur wrinkled his nose, but he didn’t really mind. At the highest floor the elevator stopped and Arthur stepped out. His billionaire dad had payed for the entire floor, claiming that only the penthouse was worthy of a Pendragon. Arthur frowned slightly at the thought of his dad but forced on a smile again when he heard the doors open behind him.

“Thank you Tom. Your room is at the end of the hall. I’m gonna’ call it a day, but you may do whatever you want in your free time like always.”

Not caring for a response, Arthur turned and walked down the hallway to the grand suite. He threw himself on the bed and stared at the wall, taking in the smell of the familiar warm sheets that he had requested be sent ahead. Arthur turned his body over so he was lying on his back. The ceiling was a pale mint, as was the rest of the room. Everything was exactly as Arthur had asked. He had designed the room to be just like his was at home, but it didn’t feel at all like home... at least not yet.

Arthur was all alone in the room and yet he still couldn’t cry. It hurt, being sent away to Cambridge, away from Morgana and Gwen, all by himself. He knew Gwen would be coming soon, but it wasn’t the same. It sucked, and Arthur had no idea what to do. Still, no matter how upset he was, all he seemed able to do was stare at the ceiling above him and sigh.

With nothing else to do for the rest of the day, Arthur decided to take a shower and check out the pizza place he had seen across the street. Arthur grabbed his phone and put the music on shuffle with the volume up high. Nirvana blasted from the small speaker and Arthur relaxed as he stepped into the warm shower. He screamed out the words to Lithium and played air guitar the whole time despite his distinct lack of musical talent. Since he hadn’t bothered unpacking yet, the only shampoo and conditioner he had were two that his sister, Morgana, had picked out for him and placed on top of his stuff at the last-minute. Arthur was at first disappointed that he couldn’t find his regular stuff, but his mood quickly changed when he opened the bottle and the calming smell of cinnamon and evergreens enveloped his senses.

Arthur’s shower was long and unrushed, but soon enough he had changed into a black button down and his favorite jeans and was ready to head out. Talk and laughter and warmth filled the pizza parlor across the street. It was one of those friendly sit-down joints that reminded one of small-town diners and of one’s childhood. A young woman greeted him by the door and showed him a table.

“Thank you Miss…” Arthur squinted at the name tag, “Ella.”

The woman blushed and giggled while she asked him what he’d like to drink. “ _ A whole bottle of vodka, _ ” thought Arthur miserably, but decided against voicing this thought and ordered a glass of water to start. It took Arthur a long time to go through each item on the menu, but in the end he settled for a slice of a relatively plain pizza called Jay’s heart. The pizza was delicious and the warm atmosphere made Arthur positive he would come back often. He left with a smile on his face and a much more relaxed demeanor than the one he had carried mere hours ago.

Back in his room Arthur suddenly realized how tired he was. He put away the book he had been planning to read and turned down the volume of his music. Arthur checked his alarm one last time before finally crawling underneath the old navy covers and letting himself slip away into his dreams. He fell asleep with the lights on.

♠♠♠♠♠♠

The first thing that Arthur noticed when he arrived was how busy it was. Of course he should have known that on the first day of classes he would not be the only one to show up early, but he hadn’t expected quite so many people. The green outside of the buildings was packed with people. Some were darting about, eager to impress their teachers. Others lounged on the grass, chatting with friends from years before. Arthur didn’t have any friends at Harvard yet. Although all of his buddies had gone to Ivy leagues, most had wisely travelled further from the iron grips of their parents. Admittedly, Arthur was a fairly typical jock. He was good-looking and rich and was always pretty social, but some part of him was always more scared than he let on. And so, when a bunch of guys spotted him and began to move towards him, he had half a mind to run away.

“Hey,” they called, as they walked towards him. He waved back and put on his signature smile, all while desperately wishing they would turn around and walk the other way. They stopped in front of him.

“Sup freshman. We haven’t seen you around. What’s your name?” They smiled at him and he relaxed. He was generally pretty good with people, and making friends with kids in higher classes could do nothing but boost his reputation.

“I’m Arthur. Arthur Pendragon.” He pushed back his hair and extended his hand. The one standing directly opposite him took it and introduced himself as a senior named Lance. He then pointed to a few of the guys around him.

“These are Gwaine, Percy, Leon, and Elyan. Mordred should be somewhere around here as well. I make it a habit to know every student in the school, but I mostly wanted to talk to you about football.” Arthur perked up at the mention of football, a sport he had played since he was ten. It was partly why he was here. Harvard had been very excited by his abilities and had offered him a spot on the team. “I’m the captain of the football team this year and these are my mates. You look like you could play and I swear your name sounds familiar. So Arthur, are you one of the new recruits?”

Arthur smiled and nodded. The boys surrounding him whooped and patted his back. Arthur easily slid into the persona of popular jock and as more people arrived he quickly made friends. The boys and him made plans to hang out later and the team introduced him to Mordred, a slightly smaller and seemingly kind boy who was a freshman as well. All of his teammates seemed nice. It was also revealed to him, as the topic of girls came up, that Elyan was Gwen’s brother. The two bonded quickly, though Elyan made sure to give Arthur a quick shovel talk upon hearing that he and Gwen were dating. Arthur had heard of Elyan, but the two had never met as Elyan had gone off to college a year before Arthur and Gwen had begun dating.

Later, as he shuffled into the science center for his first class, he was smothered by people. Despite his stature and build, he found it difficult to push through the wads of people. He quickly stepped into the bathroom to relieve himself and wait out the crowd. Arthur had just washed his hand and was leaning against the frame of a stall just as a young man with goofy ears came stumbling in.

Arthur gazed at the kid with a goofy grin on his face. The guy was small and clearly not built to withstand first-day-crowding syndrome. The poor kid didn’t notice Arthur at all, but instead closed his eyes and began to breathe loudly. Arthur’s face fell when he saw how distraught the young man was. The man looked in the mirror and started to frown at his reflection. This caused an unexplainable pain in Arthur’s chest. He finally realized he had been staring and thought of making his presence known with a cough, or maybe even trying to sneak out, when finally the man turned around and noticed him. Not knowing what to do as a horrified look swept over the man’s face, Arthur stuck out his arm and flashed his best smile.

“Hey, I’m Arthur Pendragon. Nice to meet you.”


End file.
